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Purim Megillah Limericks by Rina Wolfson

Purim Megillah Limericks by Rina Wolfson z"l

Chapter 1

The king of all Persia and Media
Had supped for a week on strong beer. 
When he, inebriated,
Empirically stated 
The Queen, in the nude, must appear. 
 
The message came back from the harem
Said Vashti “My clothes I must wear em”
The menfolk, irate,
Said “Chop off her pate!
And tell all our wives. That’ll scare em!”
 

Chapter 2

When sober the king soon regretted
The murder he’d aided and abetted
Said he “A new bride
Must be swiftly supplied. 
Find her and I’ll be most indebted.”
 
So off went the wedlock committee
With letters, from city to city,
Tasked with the duty
To source royal booty 
His only request - she be pretty!
 
The daughter of Mordy the sage 
Was discovered to be the right age
As those who were sought
And so she was brought
For a year to the king’s gilded cage. 
 
The king he showers her with kisses
And all other girls he dismisses
Said he, “I declare
That Esther the fair
Is duly appointed my missus.”
 
Meanwhile Bigtan and Teresh, the rotters
Were outed as treasonous plotters. 
Mord heard the whole thing. 
And he told the king,
Who wrote it all down in his jotters. 
 

Chapter 3

And now we must turn our attention
To Haman’s official ascension 
In a move rather sinister
He becomes the prime minister
Causing Mordy to feel apprehension 
 
A decree from the king duly stated
“Before Haman all must be prostrated”
But Mordy refused
Haman’s ego was bruised
His political will was frustrated. 
 
Mord’s infraction was just too much for him 
Haman found that he couldn’t ignore him
So he struck up a plan
To get shot of the man
And drew lots, which in Hebrew are Purim
 
A decree was despatched near and far
To each house, each street, each bazaar
Its words leave us chilled
“All Jews must be killed!
On one day, the thirteenth of Adar”
 

Chapter 4

Now Mordechai heard of the news
Haman’s plan to destroy all the Jews. 
That thought, horrifying
Leaves him wailing and crying
He rips up his robes and his shoes. 
 
He screams as he reaches the gates
Of the palace. He sits there and waits
Til Esther the Queen
Is told of the scene
And her uncle she gently berates. 
 
But he in reply is quite clear
“You must speak to your husband my dear.
In this, our dark hour,
You must use your power. 
Perhaps this is why you are here?”
 
But Esther thinks Mord is short sighted
“I can’t see the King uninvited.”
Says Mord “Don’t believe
You will get a reprieve. 
If you fail us your house will be blighted.”
 
Esther looks at her uncle, aghast. 
But she knows that her role has been cast. 
“I will do as you say
As long as you pray
And for three days you promise to fast.”
 

Chapter 5

Esther, dressed up to the nines
Approaches the palace confines. 
The king, to accept her
Extends royal sceptre
For her beauty and elegance shines. 
 
Desperate to hear her request
Says the king “My dear you look vexed
Half my land and its shores
Will henceforth be yours
Just tell me why you look so stressed.”
 
The queen says “I don’t require land
Indeed I have but one demand
I’m having a do
And I’d really like you
To come to the party I’ve planned.”
 
Says Esther, her fear now decreased
“I’ve one more request for this feast. 
When you attend
Bring Haman your friend
It will be the best do in the East.” 
 
So the king and the realm’s golden boy
Attend Esther’s feast and enjoy
An evening of pleasure
But none have the measure
Of Esther and her secret ploy. 
 
Meanwhile Haman and his other half
Are preparing for Mord‘s epitaph
The pair of them make
A ten foot high stake
But we know who’ll have the last laugh. 
 

Chapter 6

One night when the king isn’t sleeping
He updates his royal record keeping. 
And discovers that Mord
Didn’t get his reward. 
And asks “who’s that outside I hear creeping?”
 
It’s Haman who’s seeking approval
For Mordechai’s speedy removal. 
Says the king “Bring him near
His advice I must hear. 
Bring him quick - I will brook no refusal.”
 
Said the king “your advice I require
To reward a great man I desire.”
Haman thinks “This decree
Must be about me.”
And says “Clothe him in regal attire 
 
Then lead him across the town square
So that all in the city will stare
And shout ‘This is the way
The king will repay
The one he considers his heir’ ”
 
The king says “By Jove that’s the trick!
I want you to do this and quick
For Mordy the Jew. 
This is what you must do.”
Haman felt nauseous and sick
 
So Haman paraded his foe
As his Jew-hate continued to grow. 
But Zeresh his wife
Said “Trouble and strife
Will be yours wherever you go!”
 

Chapter 7

It’s day two of the queen's royal meal
The king asks “My love what’s the deal?
You’ve supplied tasty dishes
Now what are your wishes?
Tell me dear how do you really feel?”
 
She replies, in a voice soft and meek
“A saviour is what I now seek. 
My people are damned
By royal command.”
Esther’s face looks despondent and bleak 
 
Roars the king “Tell me now who is he
Who has issued this hateful decree?”
Says Esther “It’s him!”
Haman’s face looks quite grim
As he scrambles down upon bended knee
 
The king leaves the room for some air
Haman pleads for his life in despair
The king sees him prostrate
He’s enraged and irate
And sends him to death then and there. 
 

Chapter 8

Our story is not yet complete
Esther falls at the Persian king’s feet
Saying “Please lord annul
This heinous Jew cull.”
So the king dispatches his fleet
 
The soldiers ride out on their steeds
To inform all the Persians and Medes
And all other folk
That the king did revoke
Haman’s edict and all his misdeeds
 
The king clearly feeling contrition
Sends letters which give Jews permission
To fight for their lives
Protect children and wives
And plunder their foes in addition 
 

Chapter 9

And here’s where the story turns cruddy
The chapter we tend not to study
The Jewish rampages
That fill up these pages
Are brutal and savage and bloody. 
 
Men in their thousands lie dying
An empire is wailing and crying. 
The Jews have to fight
They do what is right
But the scene is still quite horrifying
 
Esther the Queen then ensures
That this is a tale which endures
So the details are told 
And set down in a scroll
As well as the festival’s laws. 
 

Chapter 10

This is the end of our story
Our hero is showered in glory
And we tell the tale
To show good can prevail
Over evil no matter how gory
 
So join in from near and from far
To declare on this day in Adar 
Layehudim Hayta 
Orah vesimcha 
Simcha vesasson viyekar 
 
Sun, 5 May 2024 27 Nisan 5784